The Story of How I Became A Believer In God | A Chapter From The Journals

This was a challenging journal to write considering the fact that there are years upon years of sensitive key moments in my life that lead to my officially declared belief in God. It would take forever to sort through nearly 30 years of context divulging each stepping stone moment that transpired. Moments of doubt, moments of semi-belief, moments of disregard, etc.. And let it be known before we get into this chapter that there are indeed several key points that had a major hand in leading me to believing in the God of the Holy Scriptures that dates back to my pre-school years all the way to a pivotal point in my troubled adulthood. However, for the sake of keeping things a bit more focused on what became the big deciding factor, we'll fast forward to the moment that solidified my claim. 

The one day that changed everything; the point where I made a firm stance on my belief came during the worst season of my life. I retroactively called this the "Post-Divorce" season. Without getting into too many specific intimate details, I'll simplify things by saying that this was a season in my life where I'd recently got divorced, lost my home, was forced to live back with my family, hated my job, felt like an utter incompetent failure at life, and constantly contemplated “ending things for good”. It was a bleak period in my life and one that almost feels like a weird fever dream of a memory at this point. 

Context of Belief Before The Big Moment

Now, let's get some important context out of the way when it comes to what my beliefs were at the time. For years, dating back to my childhood, I always believed in the general idea of “a god” existing. That is to say the general idea of an ultimate creator being behind everything coming into existence. This was primarily due to my thoughts about nature and the world seeming to have an unmistakable order and pattern to things that could not have simply come from a random, chaotic cosmic explosion. However, I didn't believe in “Thee God" of the Holy Scriptures. And I certainly did not believe in Jesus. 

As a matter of fact, I used to think that Jesus was just some famous image of a white dude with long hair being painted all over churches to be used as religious manipulation. And though I did have a couple of friends who were Christians that I met as an adult, I still had my personal mixed feelings towards their beliefs. Funny enough, I grew up with parents who took me to two different churches (one Catholic, the other Methodist) which was a bit confusing and disconnecting for me. I never actually paid attention in church and basically just perceived it as a Sunday morning task before I could eventually enjoy the rest of the weekend.  

Eventually, I stopped going to church once I was old enough to make my own decisions and everything regarding Christianity was basically surrounding whatever I'd see on TV. Documentaries about debunking the Bible to analyzing paranormal events in the world and how they tied to Christian beliefs was where my real connection lied upon. So essentially, for most of my childhood to young adult years, my headspace was that I believed in a creator, but I had no clue who He, She, or It was. I believed in the supernatural due to having personal experiences of my own and scientifically seeking answers in an investigative fashion, but I had no idea what it all truly meant. 

Remember those "sensitive key moments" that I teased earlier in the beginning of the article? Yeah, well let's just say some of them could easily be categorized as being outside of the norm of what most people would label as being "natural". But that's a story for another time. Now, getting deep into my adult years, I got married and met a couple of Christians who eventually became best friends. I'd listen to one of them whenever he'd share His beliefs, but I was never entirely fully onboard in any devotional sense. I was merely just respecting their time as they shared what they felt to share and nothing beyond that. 

However, due to some destructive supernatural experiences that I was going through, I'd begin to start taking things into my own hands and start looking into what the Bible said (not for just intrigue purposes anymore but life affecting concerns). Like I said these were "sensitive moments". Upon doing my own occasional readings, I started to feel a certain connection that I couldn't explain. Almost like a fulfillment of sorts finally taking root. A path slowly revealing itself to me as if I was heading in the right direction even though I personally had no clue where I was actually going. It's almost as if the universe was shining a bright light that I'd never taken notice of before, and like a moth, I was being drawn to it. 

At this point, it wasn't about trying to find out what was happening in my life supernaturally anymore. Instead, I was beginning to read more deeply because I needed to know about this God of the Bible and what or who He really was. I became transfixed though I still wasn't entirely ready by any stretch of the imagination to take that major leap into fully believing just yet. There was this conflicting dance of thoughts that was rolling through my mind during this period of my life. Somewhere along the way, I started watching a couple of well known preachers online at the time and began feeling the need to change my life for the better.

Certain things that the Bible was talking about was speaking directly into what I was going through just as a person in general. Some struggles of the world that I'd dealt with that nobody knew about was all being laid out in the text before me. It was becoming increasingly strange that this book written centuries ago was speaking in detail about what I thought were essentially "modern problems". Now keep in mind that I wasn't yet reading about Jesus or God in a state of belief at this point but instead just reading for informational sake and becoming gradually intrigued by how much the scriptures were peering through and disclosing my business on the page. It was baffling to such a point that I couldn't stop thinking about the Bible and God despite not really believing fully in Him yet. 

Now, fast forward about a year or so later, the divorce happens and every awful thing that I listed earlier starts to take place simultaneously leading to the aforementioned "dark season" and "one day that changed everything". I was trying my earnest to live what I thought was a righteous life according to the Bible, but I was also very immature in my understanding of what the text was saying. During that time I was mainly following dazzling preachers online with big churches thinking that they were speaking for the same God that I was reading about in the Bible. I was all over the place in my approach to seek Biblical wisdom that I wasn't sure which way was up or down with anything. 

But, at the end of the day, despite my ignorance, I was still genuinely attempting to seek Truth even if it made me feel broken inside about decisions that I made. I was facing immense loneliness, depression, emptiness, deep distress, and a whole assortment of negative emotions to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. Couple this with the fact that I was also trying to learn about the Bible reading from beginning to end and not necessarily approaching it in the best way that I probably could've due to ignorance on my part. And so lays the foundation for the big moment (the big day) to come in a bleak and chaotic post-divorce era of my life. 

The One Day That Changed Everything

One day, as I was working at my self-proclaimed dead end retail job pushing product to the shelves as my mind drifted off thinking about financial issues, a voice called out to me from seemingly nowhere. I heard the words as clear as day, and yet bizarrely enough, no one was around me in that moment despite the store being generally busy. It sounded loud enough to instantaneously catch my attention as if being spoken though a speaker phone, yet somehow it was an internal voice with no familiar tones that I could specifically describe. This powerful voice with no physical source to connect to says to me “You are destined to be a Christian”. And right there...I stopped what I was doing and held onto my work cart as if I was paralyzed from a punch to the guts. 

I wasn't necessarily scared of the voice in the negative sense (which is crazy when you think about it), but instead it hit me like an emotional revelation being given by a loving parent to a child. The voice commanded authority, yet felt gentle in approach. It was a strange feeling to have and one that shook me to my core. Then, just a few minutes later, as I'm still trying to process what had transpired, I hear another message from the same unmistakable voice. This time the voice said (and I'm paraphrasing here) "What I want for you is to step out of your comfort zone as someone who has been living inside of his own shattered mind his entire life and step out so that you may carry my word to others in the world."

And that's when it really hit me. God...THEE GOD...the very same God that I was recently reading about in the Bible was not only telling me what my purpose in life was but also what one of my greatest weaknesses were. In one firm statement, it felt like the entirety of life became understandable and meaningful which is outrageous to think considering the fact that I genuinely wanted to end everything prior to that point. I immediately decided to take my 15 minute work break, hopped onto my phone, and wasted no time researching what it meant to be a Christian. Have you ever seen those classic adventure movies where the archeologist character is digging through ancient ruins and uncovers some groundbreaking ancient item of interest that'll change the world? Yeah, that's kinda how I felt.

I was in a state of being baffled by what I’d just experienced while trying to soak up every bit of information that I possibly could about Christians and what it truly meant to walk that path. Was it more than just reading insightful information from some book called the Bible? Was it a lifestyle of rules? I had to know more. My mind was circling around for minutes upon minutes. I'd just heard what I believed to be the voice of God for the first time in my life and He tells me that I'm meant to be a Christian? Is this a foreshadowing of sorts? Is it pre-destiny that we're talking about here? Why reveal Himself now to me?  Is it to stop me from killing myself? What the heck's really happening exactly?

Honestly guys, my mind was all over the place trying to make sense of everything. Now, during my quick Internet search about what the life of a Christian consisted of as far as "objectives" go, I saw that Christians are indeed told to share the gospel to the world. Share the good news about Christ, about salvation, about God's very existence as the good news that the world so desperately needs was a mission statement of sorts. Now me being the anti-social outcast that I was for decades, living in my own little bubble away from everyone else, this discovery didn’t sit too well with me. The idea of being out in the world speaking to strangers? Yeah...I don't know about that. 

And not just speaking to complete strangers, but speaking to strangers about a God who I myself was still trying to work through my scrambled thoughts about? It felt like I got smacked in the face with the biggest reality check of a lifetime and now I'm learning that I'm supposed to somehow share the truth about this with people publicly? Me of all people? Really? Little old me who can't speak to hardly anyone without going through some downwards spiral of anxiety? How does that work realistically? Of course, sometime in the future I would eventually discover that it doesn't work with me alone but with the Holy Spirit guiding me through (but that's another story for another time).

Later that day, when I was walking home from work, I couldn’t stop thinking about the whole situation. I mean how could I? Did I really hear what I thought I'd heard? Was that really who I think it was? How is it that I just knew that it was God speaking to me deep down without actually having any proof? I've always been a man of evidence being pivotal when it came to supernatural claims (as part of my investigative scientific sensibilities in the past), so how is it that I immediately knew in my heart who and what that was while having nothing to show for it? It didn't make sense to me. Yet, I was ready to accept what I’d heard because of the unexplainable power of authority that I felt behind it.

And as if that wasn't enough, as it just so happened on this walk home, a double rainbow appeared over the sky. Now wait...before you say anything, I am completely open to calling it a mere coincidence and will not just jump on everything that looks remotely like a sign from God. However, if we are to look at it from a biblical standpoint and with the timing of events taking place, a rainbow appearing out of seemingly nowhere does strike a few symbolic bells (like God's covenant with mankind according to the Bible). I remember looking up at it, gazing at its beauty for a short moment from the perspective of already being a lover of nature while also feeling as though I was witnessing a sign of transition being confirmed. 

It was quite something really, but it didn't necessarily took all of my focus away like some transfixed obsession and desperation for miraculous imagery. Instead, it came across simply as an act of God that just so happens to perfectly accompany the situation at hand. That being said, I was also bothered by something deep down. A question that I felt hesitant to ask lingered in my mind. A question that pertains to my very character contrasting with the objective that God had firmly laid out before me when He solidified His existence. In a genuine, straight from the heart whim, I asked “God, do you really think that someone like me (a person who isn’t comfortable speaking to people whatsoever) could really go out in the world and spread the good news about you?". 

And guys, as real as I am alive writing this journal today, God answered my question immediately with a simple affirming “Yes”. When I heard this voice, it literally felt like the entire universe came leaning down towards me to speak a needed word of comfort and clarity into my very being. There’s nothing that I can reference scientifically that could describe the feeling that connected to such a simple one-word confirmation response. It was so powerful and surprising that even someone like myself who never showed any strong emotions publicly due to social anxiety, started balling my eyes out on the sidewalk. 

I was literally in a state of mind where I could care less who was driving by on the road that saw me crying like a little child. The overwhelming feeling of everything in my entire life leading up to a moment of revelation was almost too much to contain, so it poured out of me in the form of tears. I cried and cried till I was completely red in the face and I had no more tears left to offer for what felt like 10 minutes straight. It was as if God was breaking away any semblance of doubt that may have still lived inside of me about my character and worthiness to live.

In that moment, the underlying stress that came from the divorce didn’t matter anymore. The bills that were stressing me out for months didn’t matter anymore. My personal health concerns at the time (I was facing intense eczema breakouts due to my work environment) was all but forgotten. Whatever I was going to eat or do later that day didn’t matter, the job didn’t matter, nothing else in the world existed in this little pocket of space and time that I was in. Though I didn't hear it in a voice this time, I felt this all encompassing message that I shouldn't worry anymore about these things as God Himself would take care of me. I've never felt such a warm sense of security in my entire life. This was truly beyond me and surpassed all understandings that I had of the world

[Bible Scripture Reference]

Philippians 4:5-7

5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Honestly, the best way that I could describe the feeling of those minutes spent crying was like being plucked out of the planet Earth and gently placed somewhere safe to fully vent out my reaction to God's existence and the purpose of life being revealed. It didn’t make sense to me how hearing one word could literally render all conflicts and struggles of the world non existent. And yet, thinking back at it retrospectively, it makes complete sense now. I was in the presence of God for the first time who is above all things. By His very nature, if one were to feel His presence directly, would it not drastically put everything around that person into an extremely humbling and minimizing perspective? It's actually quite fascinating really and says a lot about what humans allow to run their lives when God isn't in the picture.

So, God did 3 things simultaneously in that moment. He made His presence known to me multiple times on the same day to reaffirm His existence. He confirmed who He was as the God that the Christians follow due to where He pointed me towards. He blessed me with a moment to remember Him by intimately so that I can have something more than just “The Bible says God is real so that’s why I believe” to lean on when sharing my testimony. Honestly, having a personal encounter experience that accompanies what I've been learning from scripture is a powerful gift that I'll never stop being grateful for.

He took a man who was merely days away from likely inflicting self harm on a fatal level to a believer who finally desired to live with a new purpose to fulfill. Years of having mixed feelings towards who God was due to previous circumstances, thoughts about church making me feel conflicted and unbothered since childhood, and overall scrambled thoughts about religion all went away in a single day. And now I officially knew that God was indeed real and that He was the God that the Christians followed. But...how did I get from there to later becoming a true believer in Christ? Well, as they say, that's a whole other story for another time. One might say another "one day that changed everything" type of situation.

Now again, keep in mind that, as lengthy as this article might be, it's only a piece of a larger puzzle. Like I said in the beginning, there's more to this than just one groundbreaking day at work. But really at the center of it all, in all of my anguish basically wishing for death, who was I internally crying out to for that ultimate escape? It was God. Even though I didn't entirely believed in Him prior to that day, I was still on a journey seeking truth and choosing to check out the Bible before He decided to reveal Himself to me. 

The Holy Scriptures (known as The Word of God or "the Bible") actually states this idea to be within His character to do so. And despite my hatred towards the gift of life that God so lovingly gave to me, in my darkest time, God still decided to directly speak to an absolute wretch like me. That's absolutely insane and more than a reason why He's worth praising and glorifying. So if God decided to come to me in my dire time of need while looking into Him, what's to say He won't do the same for you? What makes me so special that He chose to make Himself known? The answer is easy....nothing. We're all His beloved creations and He wants us all to know Him. You need only to reach out to Him with a genuine heart and He'll do the rest. 

[Bible Scripture References]

Jeremiah 29:13

And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

Acts 17:27

27 God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.

Questions At The End of the Day

So, to my fellow Christian brothers and sisters, what is your story? When and how did you become a believer? What was that tipping point moment for you? Did God do something profound in your life that lead you to your belief? Was it something as simple, yet certainly no less impactful, as Him just giving you a revelation from reading the Bible? Perhaps He allowed you to experience something in the world that ultimately lead you down some crazy rollercoaster ride right to His door (so to speak). Do not be afraid to share what God has done in your life as your testimony just might be the very thing that God uses to help open another person's eyes to the truth.

And for the one reading this who hasn't come to a place of believing, if you struggle to believe in God, you only need to call out to Him with an open heart ready to receive the Truth and He will, by His promise, make Himself known. But know this. God isn't our personal genie. He moves when He moves and acts when He acts. We have no power or authority over His timing. So be patient, call out to the Lord with a genuine heart that seeks Him (remember He knows you more than you know yourself in all of your thoughts and desires). He promises to give to those freely according to His will. And what is something that we know for certain is in His will? For us to know Him.